When You're Not Here I'm Suffocating

Posted on Tue Feb 12th, 2019 @ 5:33pm by Lieutenant Jane Sinclair MD, DVM
Edited on on Tue Feb 12th, 2019 @ 11:33pm

1,003 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Mission 2 - Love ORION Mistaken
Location: Pool, Music Room
Timeline: 2261.192 1700

It had been a busy few days.

The fight against the Romulans and their encounter with the Klingons had taken a lot out of the USS Legacy, and out of her crew. Fifty-seven injured, some quite severely, though miraculously no fatalities. But repairs were underway, and the injured were all stable.

After her conversation, with Cindy, Dr. Jane Sinclair had a good, long rest, and the next day got to enjoy a bit of down time.

On her way to the music room, notebook in hand, she decided to look into a few other rooms on the recreation deck. It made her happy to see that the crew was getting back to normal and enjoying themselves after such a stressful battle. Teammates played racquetball. Friends played basketball. Lovers enjoyed a stroll through the arboretum.

Jane stopped when she saw the pool.

She had no plans to swim today. She loved to swim, of course, but hadn't brought swimwear with her today. She couldn't help but feel a bit of déjà vu, like she'd had an extremely pleasant time swimming a few days earlier.

Oh well. It's been busy, maybe she just forgot the details.

Nevertheless, something drew Jane into the swimming area. A few crewmembers were swimming laps or resting in the nearby hot tubs. All of them looked happy, smiling at Jane as they noticed her. She smiled back, occasionally giving a little wave with her fingers.

She put her notebook on a nearby bench and took off her boots and socks. She found a dry spot on the deck and sat down, letting her feet slip into the water. It was a nice, cool sensation. She wiggled her toes in the water and smiled as the water got in between them. She kicked he feet and let her calves cool down. It was a pleasant way to take a quick break.

She just wasn't sure why it was making her feel so sad.

After a few minutes of playfully kicking her feet in the water, she got back up, found an available towel, and dried off her feet. Socks and boots back on, she deposited the towel into a hamper and left the pool area, back towards the music room, her mood having changed.

It didn't take long to reach the music room. It was empty, and the previous user had moved the piano out into the common area, possibly for a small performance earlier. The piano was easily five or six times her weight. Wheels aside, she probably couldn't move it herself, so she decided to leave it where it was.

Jane sat at the bench. In the music rack, she opened the book to her latest project, playing with songs from a specific album she'd recently uncovered, which had music from a dozen or more genres. Some were already piano ballads, but others needed to be refined.

She began tapping at the keys. The melody felt off, but she would get through the chorus to see exactly what needed doing. She began to softly sing.

"Arm yourself because no one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can't deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name."

Jane shook her head. This one needed much more work to get right. She turned the page. This one had a faster introduction that she completely retooled. The part of the song where lyrics were sung was easier. She skipped the intro and got directly into the chorus.

"A door left open, a woman walking by
A drop in the water, a look in your eye
A phone on the table, a man on your side
Or someone that you think that you can trust
It's just another way to die."

She nodded. It sounded good, but it needed to be bridged with her rewritten intro. She turned the page again. This one was close to perfect as is. The piano was already a major instrument in the piece; she just needed to make some minor adjustments to take into account that other instruments were absent.

"Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At Skyfall."

Jane was used to a song making her feel a bit of melancholy. And the song had a long of minor chords that often twisted her feelings just so. But it was about standing firm alongside someone you loved as the world collapsed around the two of you, together. It wasn't actually meant to make you feel so sad...so alone.

She turned to her final page of this project. Another easier one, barely any work to do. The challenge here was that it tested the upper limit of her voice. Good to practice. Knowing the direction her feelings were going though, she should have carefully looked at the lyrics before singing it.

"If I risk it all
Could you break my fall?
How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you're not here I'm suffocating
I wanna feel love run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
For you I have to risk it all
Cause the writing's on the wall"

Tears were already welling up in her eyes when she was halfway through the chorus. She felt as if there should be someone with her. Someone whose absence was making her suffocate. But she couldn't remember who she might be missing. She hadn't been close -- really close -- to anyone since Cassandra.

But regardless of what she remembered, she couldn't help feeling a loneliness unlike she had in a long time.

And so she leaned her head against her notebook and quietly let the tears flow.

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